Why a “No” is a “Yes” to myself?


“A question is just an opportunity to be honest” –Byron Katie

I started wondering why it is so hard for me to say “NO”. Sometimes, I say it but I feel guilty afterwards, like wrong and I was wondering why it is so hard inside my mind to be honest. So I started researching on google and I found this article:

25 Ways to Say No by Kim A. Flodin

I liked it, I think that is a good introduction to the main question: “Why is it so hard to say “No”?” but for me it wasn’t completely clear, so I continued with my research and as always I decided to look for Byron Katie’s experience and I found this video:

Video 1: How to be grateful for the opportunity to be honest — The Work of Byron Katie

Then I understood that saying “yes” when in reality I want to say “no” is just a way to look good in front of you (others) to manipulate the way you perceive me and then you can see me as a “good person” but how “good” am I when I was lying to you by saying “yes” to something that honestly was a “no”. In the video you can see an example and maybe understand it in a deeper way. 

So, when I’m saying “yes” to you (and not wanting to do it or it’s a “no” inside my head), I say “no” to myself because I’m ignoring me and putting a mask of a person that I’m not; therefore, I’m lying to two people, you and me, I’m ignoring me, ignoring what I’m telling myself about what I want to do or say in reality. How is that going to mean being a good person?

Then I asked myself: How I’m going to be honest? sometimes is painful for me to be honest, When is it correct to say “no” if I should love everything the way it is. With all these questions in mind I found this video later:

Video 2: How Do You Know When It’s Time to Make Changes?—The Work of Byron Katie

And then I noticed that freedom is not what I think or what I have learned from movies or heard around, the answer to “What is freedom?” it’s inside me. That’s why, when somebody asks me “Do you want to do this or that?” and I don’t want to do it the most honest and freer answer is a “No” and if I don’t say it I’m just lying first to myself and then the other person, that’s why is painful because I’m lying, for this reason I wrote at the beginning of the post: “A question is just an opportunity to be honest” (because being dishonest hurts) the quote isn’t “A question is an opportunity to say what I think the other person wants to listen to without considering myself” 😂😂😂. Freedom is recognizing my feelings and being free , sincere or honest with me first and then towards the other and say no if that’s what I hear.

I have been practicing being honest and I have to say that it has been hard, sometimes I can do it, sometimes I can’t, still working on it.

What’s your experience with this?

One last important thing, what allows me to be open and loving when situations like these happen and the answer inside me is a “No” is to do the work. It’s not enough to just realize or understand this is very important to connect to myself to cement what I understand. The ego will tell you “Oh I understand this” but it’s just an excuse for not doing the work and connect with yourself. This is theory, the work is practice.

Love,

Paola

4 thoughts on “Why a “No” is a “Yes” to myself?”

  1. Such important insights! I never made the link between freedom and saying no, but you put it beautifully and very clearly. 🙂 Somehow this makes me want to say no more and respect myself and others more fully. Thank you so much for sharing!

  2. Beautiful post, Paola. I’m happy you’re embracing your power to say what you really feel, that’s something I’m trying to track as well. It’s empowering and freeing to have integrity and value your own voice. I don’t think it’s something we gain once, I think it’s a life-long journey, and every little victory makes a difference. Thanks for sharing, big hugs 🙂

  3. Thank you Lada! Yeah I noticed it was hard for me to hear my voice and in consequence have integrity because I didn't know who I was, the sounds I thought were outside of me were so loud that I couldn't hear my own self. Now through practicing "the work" I came to hear who I am and now I'm just working on aligning that real self (that is just pure love) with my outside world and I wouldn't even say working on it because the secret is to stop doing and let myself be guided by it.

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