Paola here 😇 I was this close 👌 to not post today but here I’m writing 🤷♀️.
This has been a busy week so I have been re-planning and rethinking about my posting schedule for this blog and YouTube. It has been confusing because editing YouTube videos and blog post takes a while and I have been pressuring myself to post constantly in both platforms.
When I planned my schedule at the beginning of this journey I thought I would just post fast stuff here and there in both platforms but during these months it has changed. I discovered that I love dedicating time to these projects so it wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought.
After a while, my schedule started falling apart because I didn’t have enough time to update both platforms so all this week I have been think what to do about it, I even thought in closing my YouTube channel but then I noticed that I really like making videos there, that wasn’t the problem. I’m still not 100% confident but I think that I’ll try to post in this blog at least once a week during weekdays and in my YouTube 🤔 … I’m still not sure.
I would love to not feel the pressure to do this, it’s so weird that I intended to use these media following my own rules and I created harsh rules for myself, with hours and hours of work (right now, it’s 7:03 pm on a Friday and I’m writing this 🥺 unacceptable, it supposed to be my project = my rules, it looks like the one with the harsh rules was me).
Anyways, I just wanted to share this and put it out of my chest because if I was following a Blog and person stopped posting from one moment to another I would like to know what’s in her mind.
It’s so hard to let myself be free when I have all these fears about what could go wrong if I don’t do this or that 😓. Let see how it goes during the weekend.
It’s time to renew bows with myself.
Does this has happened to you? You start a project and you overwork yourself? 😡 (I didn’t want to say it but it makes me feel so angry haha, maybe I don’t say it but definitely it shows)
By the way my husband JUST told me that there is word for this 🙊
Overcommit: to commit more than is feasible, desirable, or necessary.
“A question is just an opportunity to be honest” –Byron Katie
I started wondering why it is so hard for me to say “NO”. Sometimes, I say it but I feel guilty afterwards, like wrong and I was wondering why it is so hard inside my mind to be honest. So I started researching on google and I found this article:
I liked it, I think that is a good introduction to the main question: “Why is it so hard to say “No”?” but for me it wasn’t completely clear, so I continued with my research and as always I decided to look for Byron Katie’s experience and I found this video:
Video 1: How to be grateful for the opportunity to be honest — The Work of Byron Katie
Then I understood that saying “yes” when in reality I want to say “no” is just a way to look good in front of you (others) to manipulate the way you perceive me and then you can see me as a “good person” but how “good” am I when I was lying to you by saying “yes” to something that honestly was a “no”. In the video you can see an example and maybe understand it in a deeper way.
So, when I’m saying “yes” to you (and not wanting to do it or it’s a “no” inside my head), I say “no” to myself because I’m ignoring me and putting a mask of a person that I’m not; therefore, I’m lying to two people, you and me, I’m ignoring me, ignoring what I’m telling myself about what I want to do or say in reality. How is that going to mean being a good person?
Then I asked myself: How I’m going to be honest? sometimes is painful for me to be honest, When is it correct to say “no” if I should love everything the way it is. With all these questions in mind I found this video later:
Video 2: How Do You Know When It’s Time to Make Changes?—The Work of Byron Katie
And then I noticed that freedom is not what I think or what I have learned from movies or heard around, the answer to “What is freedom?” it’s inside me. That’s why, when somebody asks me “Do you want to do this or that?” and I don’t want to do it the most honest and freer answer is a “No” and if I don’t say it I’m just lying first to myself and then the other person, that’s why is painful because I’m lying, for this reason I wrote at the beginning of the post: “A question is just an opportunity to be honest” (because being dishonest hurts) the quote isn’t “A question is an opportunity to say what I think the other person wants to listen to without considering myself” 😂😂😂. Freedom is recognizing my feelings and being free , sincere or honest with me first and then towards the other and say no if that’s what I hear.
I have been practicing being honest and I have to say that it has been hard, sometimes I can do it, sometimes I can’t, still working on it.
What’s your experience with this?
One last important thing, what allows me to be open and loving when situations like these happen and the answer inside me is a “No” is to do the work. It’s not enough to just realize or understand this is very important to connect to myself to cement what I understand. The ego will tell you “Oh I understand this” but it’s just an excuse for not doing the work and connect with yourself. This is theory, the work is practice.
I just discovered recently. It’s when I say that everything is ok but in reality I’m denying my real feelings…mmm let me check in google:
“We define toxic positivity as the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience…”
I definitely have done this to myself and others, interesting. What about you?
I really appreciate the video explaining my behavior, the only part where I don’t agree is the last part where they tell you how people should be more understanding about our feelings (or I should be more understanding of others) because that makes me think that everyone should understand me and that’s no possible, at least I don’t think it’s possible now because I myself won’t be able to do that all the time (to be understanding and loving, I’m working on it but I don’t see it completely real) It’s like going back to denying that other people won’t be able to please us or help us or make us feel better all the time, which is falling into denial again that is basically what is toxic positivity. I think that is important to take responsibility for my feelings for example that I can’t handle a situation right now and I need to understand that and if I need space, support or understanding I need to voice it and if no-one can help in that moment, look for it or go somewhere else, don’t expect others to solve my emotional world.
I wrote this draft back in December and I was surprised how this sounds like I have something wrong in me. Lately, I have been listening to “The work” At Home with Byron Katie and now I’m wondering if this is true.